Confessions of a Shipper (II)

I was doing APUSH the other day today, and I realised something quite startling.

Alexander Hamilton and James Madison worked together. Alexander Hamilton was murdered by Aaron Burr.

Alexander Hamilton and James Madison. Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr.

Hamison. Burrilton.

HOLY. FUCK. YES.

I totally ship them.

Maybe even OT3 them. Well, okay, no. They might be dead, but I’d like to diverge from the Historical canon as little as possible (of course, I never said anything about mpreg). So, in a heavily influenced by Hetalia generated moment, this is how I will probably remember the first half of chapter six:

Hamilton and Madison were secret lovers who were trying to conceive. They named their first attempt Virginia after Madison’s home state, regardless of gender.

“If it’s a boy,” Hamilton declared, “he’ll just have to get used it, just like the Founding Fathers had to get used to the fact that we’re mutually cheating on our wives with each other.”

Madison snorted. “You forget that there’s only fifty-four of us now.”

Hamilton squawked indignantly. “Why is that?” he demanded.

“You’re more of a mother than a father, aren’t you, love?” Madison said fondly, stroking his lover’s belly. Hamilton arched into the touch, too preoccupied to deign his question with a response.

Unfortunately, it was a miscarriage, brought upon by a traumatically angry mob of small-minded church-goers. They tried again. Their second attempt, named Jersey, though wildly left alone, was a stillbirth, much to the dismay of both expecting parents.

On their third attempt, they refrained from naming the child, for fear of causing premature misfortune. To their surprise, the baby came to full term and without complications.

“His name shall be Compromise!” Hamilton declared breathlessly, holding the small babe with a tender smile on his face. Madison kissed his temple, smiling fondly at his lover and child.

“The Great Compromise!” Madison agreed, lifting the sleeping baby from Hamilton’s arms. “Created by two Founding Fathers of the new American nation!” He kissed the babe’s fuzzy head gently…

As with most fanfiction, this is obviously rife with huge loopholes. Firstly, how is Hamilton able to conceive children? Why would they cheat on their wives with each other? Aren’t they straight? HOW IS THIS EVEN FEASIBLE? Hamilton is illegitimate–why on earth would he be okay with having an illegitimate child with a coworker when his father shunned him for being the same? Where does Burr come in? Why did I write this? THIS IS PURE BLASPHEMY. 

On the other hand, I could totally do this.

The documentary of Compromise’s life would be obviously named the Bill of Rights and his name would be humorously named the Cabinet, and as Compromise grew, he would be a mediator with a system he called the Supreme Court. His piggy bank would be a birthday present from mommy!Hamilton and he would name it National because he’s a patriotic bugger, and every year he would receive money from Uncle Penn, who’s a heavy drinker.

He’d get into fights with a girl named Republican and her boyfriend Citizen Genet for being the bastard child of homosexuals, and Uncle Jay and Pinckey (who are also fucking) would have to break up the fights. Grandpa Washington would decide to go on a long vacation, and Uncle John would be the head of the family because he’s the oldest, even though Mommy is the smartest. Compromise would stop talking to Republican (they never really liked each other anyway) and her endless parade of French boyfriends and Republican would retaliate by bringing her friends Virginia and Kentucky. They lose, of course.

Later in life, when Compromise is almost completely irrelevant, the story will swing back to Hamilton and Madison. Hamilton meets Burr, who is a bitter ex of his, completely by accident and Burr, in a rage, kills Hamilton, leaving Madison alone to deal with a headstrong, rebellious Compromise, who’d finally started dating Republican.

Yeah. New NaNoWriMo project, for sure. Fanfiction about our Founding Fathers. I’d never be able to look Oliveira in the eye if he finds out.

Well, now I have to do English and Physics. Yaaayy. Outlines and Excel are so…fun….

C’est la Mort–Civil Wars

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