I’m a bitch, okay, I know, I get it, I accept it. I complain and gripe about homework, teachers, life, but in reality, I’m still pushing the rock. All the whinging is my way of coping. Sometimes, it gets too much and the whinging doesn’t help anymore. Sometimes, it gets to the point where not even the structured world of mathematics could even help.
This girl, though…
Her name strikes me as familiar. She’s no genius. I can see by the issues in her grammar. Somehow, it makes her more human. Look, I’m not perfect. I never will be perfect. But because you can’t see that, I don’t ever want to see you again, the subliminal message of the video says. But I’m only focusing on the petty details because I’ve just slammed up my walls of denial. I must have seen those letters in the new headlines. I knew what it was about, but I’d never seen the video. I didn’t need to. Why?
Because it happens. It’s so normal. People make a big deal out of little things. Why are they so shocked about it all the time? It doesn’t make sense.
I can’t say I have answers. I will never have answers. I wish I had answers, but I do not live under the veil of ignorance.
Seeing those teens react, I couldn’t help but disagree. The fact is that we think we know what should happen, but it doesn’t ever actually happen. “Normal” becomes the “abnormal” and vice versa, cross-wise and backwards.
(Perhaps nothing will make sense after this sentence.)
I believe, like them, that saying “God, that girl deserved death” doesn’t help anything. But, in a way, in a weird, completely cynical way, I think she did deserve it. She deserved relief. Relief from the torment that everyone she knew caused her to have. She deserved the oblivion, the permanent unawareness that Death brings. The utter painlessness that accompanies the swing of his scythe purely because she knew that it would all end when it stopped. She suffered so much torment that the only way she could think to achieve relief was through Death. And she’s totally justified in doing so.
Now, I don’t agree with suicide. I believe there are other ways to pull through dark times in your life. Some people write, others break valuable things. But when it feels like the living world, everyone you’ve known, your world is totally and completely against you, any fragile trust that you once had just disappears. Sometimes, when living doesn’t feel like it’s worth the pain anymore, death becomes a better option just because in death comes peace.
You, dear reader, might believe in the afterlife. I, however, believe in reincarnation.
I never got to the point of Amanda Todd. I think I almost did, but not in the same way. But before I hit rock bottom, I took a leap of faith and threw up my trust issues out the window.
I’m still floating on a cloud of peaceful unawareness. It feels numb.
For us living mortals, the suffering never ends. You’d never notice, but every time you complain, that’s you feeling the weight of the rock that we’ve all been born to push forever until we give up and let it crush us.
I’m not in a good place to explain clearly what it feels like because I can’t feel it anymore. The moment has passed. Perhaps I’ll try anyway.
Whenever I say that school is a prison, I do actually mean what I say. You who read this might think, “oh dear god, off her rocker she’s gone. She’s done and got herself well and truly fucked for any future she might pursue.” The thing is, notice the similarities. Notice how we are constantly surrounded by authority figures who watch us like hawks in order to prevent us from making “unwise” decisions. Look at how we are constantly on a strict schedule, meant to hustle us around and keep us preoccupied from the fact that, even though we’re up for parole when we turn sixteen, we’re faced with a sentence of four (or more) years in a place that is essentially trying to teach us how to conform to societal norms. Do you know what they call that at the state penitentiary level? Rehabilitation. We could leave, but we choose not to because we think the consequences of our choices will not be able to justify the ends.
In the hierarchy of the school, we are at the very bottom. We students are essentially powerless when faced with the power that our parents have over our school system. When was the last time we were asked whether or not the athletics director of the school should be allowed to change the way clubs were formed? We’re so distracted by hopes and dreams of becoming a class officer–this utterly false incentive–that we don’t even stop to think about the way the system is formed.
At the very bottom, we have virtually no access to our rights. The rights that we do have, we don’t take advantage of because we fear the freedom it grants us.
And because we will always inherently search to feel superior to something, we are cruel.
Humans. Are. Cruel.
We are taught not to put each other down because it destroys our sense of unity, our sense of confidence in oneself, and our sense of acceptance within a group. We are taught to conform and support each other. We are taught that we are all born equal. We are taught History, Health, English, Science.
We are taught bullshit.
We don’t learn from our mistakes. By “our”, I mean the collective “our”. History runs in cycles. If one person has made a mistake, we are bound to make the same mistake. Over and over and over and over. And because of this bullheadedness that is so inherent in our nature plus our natural self-centeredness, we end up hurting one another, over and over and over and over.
In the end, we all make the same mistakes. The biggest mistake all of us will make over and over and over and over again in our lifetimes is putting all our faith and trust in one thing. When God fails you, you turn to people. When people fail you, you turn to drink. When drink fails you, what is left but Death waiting patiently, arms outstretched to lead you away?
In Death’s eyes, we will all come to him. In his eyes, we are all equal. We cannot bargain with Death, and we can’t run from him forever.
So where does that leave us?
Accept him. Accept him like you wouldn’t accept Amanda Todd for making a couple of mistakes that everyone will make in their lifetime. You might say that would never happen to you, but trust me when I say it will happen. Some people will lose all their credibility. Others are lucky enough to escape the torture and cruelty that we as humans all possess the innate capability of.
Stop running. Accept Death. We’ll all be so much better off when we tear off our rose-covered glasses and finally face reality in its cold, hard starkness. We’ll be so much better off because now we know, now we understand, that life isn’t some rainbow of cheeriness and equality. We’ll be so much better off because now we can adapt to what’s really there rather than what we think is there.
This was horribly insufficient and possibly inaccurate. But this is how I feel, written down and bled out.
Listening to: “Life is Beautiful”–Sixx:A.M.