The 12-Step Plan for Recovering Procrastinators

Getting help. Self-help. Today, we are going to break the procrastination cycle so beautifully illustrated by Chibird:

Okay? Ready…Get set….START!

1. We admitted we were powerless over time – that our lives had become unmanageable.

Yes! I wish I were a Time Lord sometimes, but that’s never going to happen. Hello. I am fifteen years old, and I have a problem. 

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

You’re talking about God. You’re preaching about God to a bunch of atheist youngsters who don’t give a damn. Okay, I’m kidding, but this falls apart when you don’t believe in a higher power. We shall now rewrite step two as:

2.1. Came to believe that our existence is meaningless and that we are totally free to make our own choices to create meaning, and to experience complete liberation, we must believe in our own power.

Better. I can now say that I have complete power over my actions and it’s my fault I let it go this far. I am now willing to take full responsibility and remake my life into something that is priceless to myself.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.


3.1. Made a decision to change as is our will.

You and I are already improving, as I have decided to write this post, and you have decided to read through this little impromptu self-help guide instead of putting it off until tomorrow like the rest of the lazy lumps out there. Be proud of your strength.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Make tea. Sit in a patch of sunlight. Meditate. Do whatever it takes for you to relax and enter into a state of deep introspection. Do this regularly, too, because it’s extremely healthy for you to know yourself and your own personal fears, secrets, and boundaries. I have six major problems, one of which will be addressed today.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

I am a procrastination addict. I no longer have control over my time-wasting impulses and struggle to finish anything on time. As a result, my relationships have suffered, and I am a complete, total mess.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Or, for all you non-religious or polytheistic people out there:

6.1. Were entirely ready to cleanse the character of all defects.

I am willing to accept all changes in modus operandi, habit, and behavior in order to improve my character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

In other words, for all you religiously-P.C. people,

7.1. Humbly realize that you are not on top of the world.

In fact, steps 5-7 are really about thinking deeply and reflecting on what harms you have done to your health and well-being, which is more than I can say I learned from Sophomore Health. 5-7 asks you to realize all the deleterious effects your procrastination has done to you, and how much of a better person will would have been before or will eventually be after you have completed the rest of these steps.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Realize that, not only has your procrastination affected your own grade point average, but also others’, for your not completing your part of the Physics lab report cuts down on others’ ability to help fix and/or complete their own part. Never leave group work for the last.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Start to change your behavior so that you fulfill the societal need for reciprocation and respect towards others’ rights. Treat others as you would like to be treated.

10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

Lather, rinse, and repeat.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

I agree with prayer and meditation. This is called introspection. But if you don’t feel like talking to God, that’s fine with me. Remember that prayer and meditation, reflection and introspection is a healthy thing. One advantage introverted people have over extroverted people is that they tend to understand themselves much better, as they are often left to their own thoughts.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to procrastinators, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Please do these steps.

Also, there is an unofficial Step 13:

13. Never entered in a relationship with a fellow recover-er. 

Because you know that you’ll only ever distract yourself with them. And this is counterproductive, unless you two become co-motivators. The moral of the story is, do not date someone who is worse off than you. Date someone who is like you or better than you.

I admit, this is rather hypocritical that I’m doing something like this self-help guide to waste more time, but it is my hope that you use this to help yourself be not like me. I bid you good luck and good fortunes. I’m going to watch Tron: Legacy and eat.

(Original Twelve Step Plan taken from Alcoholics Anonymous).

Listening to: Dance Me to the End of Love (cover by The Civil Wars)


One response to “The 12-Step Plan for Recovering Procrastinators

  1. Pingback: My Problems and I | Surviving High School·

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s