How to Extend Your Battery Life

Is your laptop dying after three minutes of being on? Does it keep showing you the evil black screen before you have a chance to save your latest copy of your EE? Tired of being chained to your desk because it’s the furthest place your computer can be before detaching from its charging cable? Becoming allergic to sunlight and afraid of glittering because you never go outside to study anymore?

NOT ANYMORE! With this guide, you battery life will last FOUR TIMES as long as it used to.

Let’s begin.

1. Turn on your laptop.

Ontologically, in order to make your battery last longer, it needs to be in use. Because you wouldn’t be having this issue if it weren’t on. Make sure you log in, if you’re on a shared computer, but that’s just my personal preference.

2. Shut your laptop.

Look. Your problem is that you spend too much time on your laptop, so much that you’re wearing its poor warranty out. If you really love your laptop, give it a rest, if only a temporary one. Let it sleep because if only one of you can, it should be your laptop.

YOU’RE NOT DOING IT RIGHT, SON.

3. Go for a walk.

If you tl;dr’ed and didn’t read the rest of this post, you’re probably back after a few minutes of “what the fuck do I do now”s. So welcome back. If you’re the type of person who reads first, then goes through the step-by-step instructions, congratulations. You’re my new favorite person.

You need a break. Shut your computer again, pull on some shoes and a coat and go for a walk. Drink in the scenery and the natural life and take a nap underneath a tree or something. Your life is currently so unbalanced that it’s messing with your productive capacity.

If you would rather not go outside for whatever reason, rent a yoga DVD, or have a CD with meditative, soothing music burned onto it. My only stipulation is that you avoid your laptop like you would avoid lepers and go do something completely unplugged. If you’re thinking about bringing a smartphone, don’t do it. It will only tempt you. Whatever you have, it can wait. It can always wait. If you’re a chronic procrastinator, this will help.

4. When you can’t stand it anymore, buy a new battery.

Now you feel like you wasted the last 10 minutes of your life. Sorry. You wanted help.

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One response to “How to Extend Your Battery Life

  1. Pingback: Self-Medication: How to Improve Your Self-Confidence | Surviving High School·

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